Special Edition: DIAF

Tuesdays here at the ELEW blog are reserved for guest posts, giveaways, interviews, and other misadventures. Your co-admins both agree that our recent contact below is one such special event deserving of public humiliation.

Earlier tonight we received this email via our contact form. Now, shit like you’re going to see below goes to the spam folder, which we glance at from time to time to see that legit comments to the site weren’t accidentally sent into exile. While normally we wouldn’t give this shit the time of day, this particular one rubbed us the wrong way. We decided to hold this email up as an example of “how not to contact the Evil League of Evil Writers.”

To further clarify our position here, it should be mentioned that this stellar example of asshattery was on our website for FOUR HOURS and didn’t bother to click over to the “About” page or the FAQ, both of which clearly spell out that we do not tolerate fuckery of any kind, especially INSULTING BULLSHIT like what you’ll read below.

Though I’ve left this douchebag’s name as it was given, the rest of the contact info has been altered to suit me, because this fuckwit isn’t about to get any attention from us or our readers save what you’re about to read.

What was so insulting? Here. Read for yourself.

From: Eric Parker <wordpress@www.evilwriters.com>
Date: Mon, Mar 2, 2015 at 8:17 PM
Subject: [Evil League of Evil Writers] Contact
To: [contact address]

Name: Eric Parker
Email: douchebag@totalmarketing.com
Comment: Hello,

We are interested in working with you and producing editorial content for your site, evilwriters.com.

The content will be professionally written in line with your site’s theme and voice. If you are interested in exclusive content for your site, please let me know.

I appreciate your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Eric Parker
Marketing Assistant

Email: douchebag@totalmarketing.com
Phone: (000) 000-0000
Direct: (000) 000-0000
Web: www.DouchebagAsshatSpamming.com
1234 Fuckwit Street
Bumblefuck, Assholestate 12345

Time: March 2, 2015 at 5:09 pm
IP Address: as.sh.ol.el.og.ged
Contact Form URL: http://www.evilwriters.com/contact/
Sent by an unverified visitor to your site.

Well! Isn’t that a generous offer?

Yeah….

Normally, we’d just let spam slide by. Normally, we’d ignore this as another “marketing guru” out to make a quick buck off people who want a website of their own but don’t want to bother producing the content necessary to run it.

But something about this mail just hit the wrong fucking buttons at the wrong fucking time.

Below is our reply.

Dear Mr. Parker,

While we very much appreciate your email sent via our contact form on our website (copy below) and your offer of marketing services for our little corner of the Internet, we would like to point out to you that, in the four hours you spent there, you did not once click over to our “About” page or the FAQ. If you had done so, you would have seen our comment policy, disclaiming that we reserve the unequivocal right to post your communication in part or in its entirety for the purposes of mockery or general amusement.

You see, Mr. Parker, we at the Evil League of Evil Writers are, in fact, evil…something we think you failed to grasp during your visit to our site. In neglecting to visit our “About” page, you also missed the fact that our website is run by a team of professional writers, as well as designed by a professional graphic artist and web design goddess.

Your offer of “producing editorial content” and statement that said content will “be professionally written in line with your site’s theme and voice” is nothing short of insulting. We can only hold your woeful lack of comprehension skills responsible for the fact that you missed the entire premise of our site as a whole.

Here are small words you may be able to understand:

OUR ENTIRE FUCKING SITE IS “PROFESSIONALLY WRITTEN EDITORIAL CONTENT,” YOU SPAMMING ASSHAT.

Your IP address has been logged and you have been permanently banned from our site. Not that it matters to you. You will simply go and find another site to spam with your asshattery.

Kindly fuck off, and never darken our door again.

Douchebag.

Sincerely,
ELEW
{copy of his mail pasted here]